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Chance’s “talk about” movies of this past week

Had 6 days off of work. Felt like 6 minutes.

And yet, I attempted to take it easier than I normally do (which is rarely easy). So beyond working on the nursery and a few other things,  I was able to plunk in front of the couch (and in one instance, the theatre) and watch movies.

In six days, I  watched part or all of the following (and I shit you not):

How to Make an American Quilt (last hour or so) *
Circle of Iron*
Man on Wire*
Bourne Ultimatum (last hour or so; for the 100th time)
Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford 
Casino Royale (last hour or so; for the 101st time; god bless eva green)
Ferris Beuller’s Day Off (for the 102nd time)
Ironman (2nd time)
Slumdog Millionaire*

*How to Make an American Quilt
Sometimes, when I’m tired, or bewilderingly unmotivated, I just need to rest my brain. So I turn to the one thing which re-invigorates my nervous system, and gives my life true purpose and meaning: really bad chick flicks.

I know: the phrase sounds like a redundancy in terms, but honestly, it gives me a chance to laugh, scoffingly judge, search for potential boobies, and all in all realize that there is art out there so bad, that mine can’t possibly be worse. One day, let me tell you of the glory that is the movie “The Lakehouse” (starring Keanu Reeves & Sandra Bullock. I rest my case.).

 And so begins my reasons for watching the last hour or so of “How to Make an American Quilt.” Oh my god. This movie. First of all, Winona: why do you always give me the sense I’m going to see your boobies in a movie, and I NEVER. EVER. DO?!

Anyway. She hangs out with her Mom I think, while her mom and a bunch of old biddies make a quilt, talk about their lives, walk down their amnesia lanes, and remind themselves how hot they were when they were young (and well, not so much now). It was patently formulaic, and you couldn’t stop watching, well because a couple of them did show boobies. Just. not. Winona.

Oh, and she’s a writer. And this big storm kicks up her papers from her Great American Novel, and well, she didn’t make copies cause it’s 1995, and there’s some life lesson learned there, and  she mistakenly bangs the latino caballero from the El Pollo Loco commercials  in a cornfield at night (well, it looked like him or his brother)—you know that typical summer romance— and then ends up with Dilbert Moroney or whatever his name is, in a corn field inside his old VW Van during the early…morning… light.

White people, I swear.

Circle of Iron
Circle of Iron, where have you been all my life??

Holy shit, brother, I don’t know where to begin. This movie looked, sounded, smelled like it was being made up on the spot; like a cross between  Beastmaster, Kung Fu (the tv show) and 70’s era Penthouse magazine layouts.

Stars Jeff Cooper & David Carradine. Cooper plays Cord the Seeker, a prima donna douchebag of a “young martial artist” who is seeking the book of all knowledge, which is being held by Christopher Lee aka Zetan. No, seriously.

And David Carradine plays 4 characters…and um, well you know: i’m not even going to finish describing him. Why? Because there are things that need to be self-discovered.

The bottom line is this movie is the fundamental definition of the phrase “train wreck” and how you can’t take your eyes off it. We actually delayed dinner to finish watching this movie. The last 30 minutes was exasperatingly long; we were hungry; and there is no way we can ever get these 2 hours of our life back. It’s one of those movies that, while you’re watching it, well: you know that feeling you get where you think that God is going to take away your talent because you’re wasting his time?

That kind of movie…..and I’m agnostic!

*Man on Wire & Slumdog Millionaire

A thousand wows. For both. Unconditional love, for both. Man on Wire insists it’s a documentary, but it’s beyond just that: a bit movie, a bit PT Barnum and mostly documentary. It’s about the wirewalker who traversed the two world trade towers just after they were built. The movie is mesmerizing. 

Slumdog, however, could be the best movie I’ve seen all year. Danny Boyle is probably my 2nd favorite genius director (to Fernando Merielles, but I havent’ seen blindness and I heard it sucked).  You must see Millions if you haven’t yet.

The best part about this movie is you didn’t feel like you were watching a movie. It felt like events unfolding as it happened. It was beautifully shot. Enjoy how he uses bokeh (artistic blurriness) with great consistency but never making the shot feel too distractingly artistic. I’m telling you, the last 10 minutes of the movie I’m holding back tears, and carbon dioxide. It’s so well edited, and such a celebration of the positive overcoming the negative, without compromise. My kind of story.

This will be nominated for best movie.

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